It’s kind of weird how I become a person who I am
today. I think I have never been a quiet one since I was little. I started to
close my mouth when high school kicked in, I guess. I never know when it’s
actually started but a senior told me to talk more. Well, at that time I didn’t
have anything to say. I don’t like to introduce myself to someone else. I don’t
like to be the center of attention; I don’t like the feeling of many eyes
looking at you, feel so uncomfortable.
I think it began when I ran from home, since then I never
talk much to anyone I don’t know, my friends or my family. I just didn’t know someone who I
could trust without telling me that I’m the one who take the wrong side because
I already knew I was wrong I didn’t need everyone to came and lectured me in
every single time, it’s tiring.
Now that I’m in college, I don’t even know who I can
talk and not to. In my eyes all of them are just a bunch of strangers that I
just happen to know their names. I hate it, I hate that atmosphere. I mean, I
can relate about people having their own best mate in class, but in my class
everyone seems so uncomfortable. Like for no joke, I already have someone in my
class who hates me just because I asked her to pay less than $1 for group
project and I told her the f word. I’ve only been in college for one year. lol.
And then just this afternoon one girl cried because she was mobbed (well, not
really mobbed. It’s pretty much a bunch of peeps didn’t have the same thoughts
as her, but they spilled it out together) by other “side” from the class. I
swear to God, if I didn’t have any feelings, I would be laughing louder than
anyone. As for me, I don’t belong anywhere I don’t belong to “smart, painstaking people” or
to “fancy, modern people”. I like things and person that they don’t even know.
A lot of people ask me to talk more, what they don’t know is that it’s hard. Maybe it’s because people misinterpret what my words mean mostly, and then the other times simply because people just don’t know how to listen. It’s just tiring to face these kind of things every single day you go outside. The other reason is because I believe what I say wouldn’t change a thing, cause I’m invisible.
There are
a lot of things I feel insecure about, talking is one of them. I think people
should’ve never given a mouth. Because all it does is just hurting others. Maybe
I’m one of its victims. I hate talking. So stop telling me to open my goddamn
mouth and let me think about what I want to think. Stop trying to change me, it
hurts. Pretty much what I want to say is just please leave me alone, unnoticed
and continue your beautiful life peacefully without me in it.
