envious

i wish i can play instruments
i wish i can sing beautifully
i wish i can draw flawlessly
i wish i can write better sentences

these things that i will never have
these things that make someone matters
i will never have them
i can never be like them

what can I do?
I can't do anything right
everything i touch scattered to pieces
so what's there left for me?

what an useless human being
you have nothing and you want nothing
what are you still doing here?
hurry up and fall before i left you alone too

attention seeker

talk to someone about how you're feeling
but then you just shut them down
what the hell is wrong with you?

you want everyone to focus on you
your problems, your fears
you want eveyrone to understand your feelings
but you never even try

i hope one day you'll forgive yourself
forgive those who hurt you
and move on with life
i dont know how much more blood will it cost

sighs and a couple of tears
that's all you get
for swallowing your feelings
i hope everything will get better

I dont want to fall in love

Why is it so easy for me to fall for someone?
I hate it. I fucking hate it.

I should have not feeling this way
It's stupid and my brain is showing me weird scenarios

I would find myself crying or laughing over those scenarios
disgusting

wanna know why?
because i know it won't be true
it's all just in my head
and my brain is just fooling my heart again

the vivid imaginary of them
i don't want to see it
i wish i could kill my heart
it's handy when your heart is jumping around everywhere over nothing

and brain,
please stop feeding me with those thoughts
i don't want it
it's better for us to live alone
away from everyone

is this what they called loneliness?
what a fucking joke

how to live a life by me :D

first of all, i don't remember much from my childhood
but most things that I remember are not good things
most of the times it was just me getting mad at everyone
or everyone pissed me off

now that I've grown up
all I can think about is how to get "revenge"
they make me suffer as a kid and a teen
I won't let them touch any of my adulthood

that's how I've been living
based on hatred and anger
it's tiring and painful
but that's the only thing that I know

if someone tries to steal that away from me
i wouldn't know how to live anymore
cause there will be nothing left of me

why am i like this

I want to be saved, but I can't open up to anyone