it's me again

Hi. It's been awhile since I visit this blog. I guess this is a 2 year thing huh.

I've been living like a fucking loser these 5 months. 

I'm not doing anything productive, just lying around watching movies or sleeping.

I'm supposed to write down my research report,

but guess what? it didn't work.

I wonder what's wrong?

If other people can do it why can't I?

Writing a goddamn report can't be that complicated, so why can't I finish it?

Why am I keep making excuse for not doing my "job" properly?

Well, I don't know the answer.

or maybe I do.

It's been awhile since I realize I've got bad anxiety.

I'm afraid of a lot of things.

Afraid about my lecturer, they're nice people. Don't know why I should be afraid of them, but I know I do.

I'm scared if they're going to reject me, scared if I let them down. I'm scared of my own incompetence. 

I know they will help me if I ask them, I know that as a fact because I've been there before.

But somehow my body can't bring itself to ask for help.

Why am I like this?

If people want to be extraordinary, being ordinary is fine by me.

Be normal, be social, be brave.

Why can't I do these things?

Why am I so afraid of?

Failure?

Yeah I think that's what it was.

I'm afraid of failure.

But I already am.

God, just thinking about texting my lecturer gives me a hard time breathing.

Such a bitch.

Well, if 2 years ago I was filled with anger and rage, this time I just want to let go.

I want to let go of my past, not reliving or changing them.

I want to see what's there for me in the future, if there's any.

I've been thinking about starting a small business.

Reselling some snacks, and when I'll get enough money I'd like to open a plus size only underwear store.

You know being fat it's kind of hard to get yourself a cute underwear, so I want to make it easier for girls like me.

Sadly, I got addicted to ciggs so I don't have any money that I can start.

Also, I've been thinking about suicide much often than usual. I guess february isn't really my lucky months.

In 2019 I drank a fucking toilet drainer, of course it didn't cost my life, I know it wouldn't.

I guess I just want everyone to know that I'm not feeling okay, that's all.

But now, I just don't want to be anybody's burden anymore hence why I tried to snap my neck.

It didn't work, my fat ass is probably too heavy for the not-so-rope.

But I bought a decent rope now.

Didn't even realize I could just buy it at a convenience store, or maybe you can call it a supermarket.

I was going to hang myself yesterday, but I fell asleep.

Maybe I would do it today, if I got the courage.

I don't know why I don't ask for help.

They would probably help me if I ask right?

Obviously there are things that I have to do on my own, but still. 

Asking for help wouldn't be that bad.

But I just can't, maybe it's my pride.

My stupid pride of wanting to get everything done by my own self.

Don't want to owe anyone anything.

But I already owe them a lot of shits.

I owe them my degree.

I owe them their money.

I owe them their happiness.

I wonder what should I do.

If I share this blog post with anyone, would somebody care to write back at me?

I know I'm always bad at verbal, but it's weird to send this shit right?

God forbid I'm still alive until next week.