There are days like this where I need you the most

it was all my fault that we don't talk anymore

but on a day like this your presence help me up

-

I don't know why I'm obsessing about suicide

but thinking about passing 25 scares me

Living my live like a ghost, 

not knowing what I want or what I need

just hoping everything to end

I sound like a broken record

even myself tired of hearing and thinking these things

but the thoughts always coming back

with a pain on my neck

remembering how it felt like to choke myself 

hoping I had the courage to end everything

it's tiring

not even a pain or sadness

just a bitter joke

even when I'm crying it's not because of the pain

it's because I'm sick of this life 

I don't know how many times I've typed this down

it sucks that I have nothing new

I still feel like nothing

it's weird knowing how I was years back

full of emotion and colors

but now everything is just grey

a sleepless night at 1:30

 yo 

I usually asleep at like 3 am, due to me sleeping at day of course.

but this time it's different

I guess I just can't sleep when I know someone's watching me.

and so I'm just writing this

until I feel sleepy

it's me again

Hi. It's been awhile since I visit this blog. I guess this is a 2 year thing huh.

I've been living like a fucking loser these 5 months. 

I'm not doing anything productive, just lying around watching movies or sleeping.

I'm supposed to write down my research report,

but guess what? it didn't work.

I wonder what's wrong?

If other people can do it why can't I?

Writing a goddamn report can't be that complicated, so why can't I finish it?

Why am I keep making excuse for not doing my "job" properly?

Well, I don't know the answer.

or maybe I do.

It's been awhile since I realize I've got bad anxiety.

I'm afraid of a lot of things.

Afraid about my lecturer, they're nice people. Don't know why I should be afraid of them, but I know I do.

I'm scared if they're going to reject me, scared if I let them down. I'm scared of my own incompetence. 

I know they will help me if I ask them, I know that as a fact because I've been there before.

But somehow my body can't bring itself to ask for help.

Why am I like this?

If people want to be extraordinary, being ordinary is fine by me.

Be normal, be social, be brave.

Why can't I do these things?

Why am I so afraid of?

Failure?

Yeah I think that's what it was.

I'm afraid of failure.

But I already am.

God, just thinking about texting my lecturer gives me a hard time breathing.

Such a bitch.

Well, if 2 years ago I was filled with anger and rage, this time I just want to let go.

I want to let go of my past, not reliving or changing them.

I want to see what's there for me in the future, if there's any.

I've been thinking about starting a small business.

Reselling some snacks, and when I'll get enough money I'd like to open a plus size only underwear store.

You know being fat it's kind of hard to get yourself a cute underwear, so I want to make it easier for girls like me.

Sadly, I got addicted to ciggs so I don't have any money that I can start.

Also, I've been thinking about suicide much often than usual. I guess february isn't really my lucky months.

In 2019 I drank a fucking toilet drainer, of course it didn't cost my life, I know it wouldn't.

I guess I just want everyone to know that I'm not feeling okay, that's all.

But now, I just don't want to be anybody's burden anymore hence why I tried to snap my neck.

It didn't work, my fat ass is probably too heavy for the not-so-rope.

But I bought a decent rope now.

Didn't even realize I could just buy it at a convenience store, or maybe you can call it a supermarket.

I was going to hang myself yesterday, but I fell asleep.

Maybe I would do it today, if I got the courage.

I don't know why I don't ask for help.

They would probably help me if I ask right?

Obviously there are things that I have to do on my own, but still. 

Asking for help wouldn't be that bad.

But I just can't, maybe it's my pride.

My stupid pride of wanting to get everything done by my own self.

Don't want to owe anyone anything.

But I already owe them a lot of shits.

I owe them my degree.

I owe them their money.

I owe them their happiness.

I wonder what should I do.

If I share this blog post with anyone, would somebody care to write back at me?

I know I'm always bad at verbal, but it's weird to send this shit right?

God forbid I'm still alive until next week.

Dear You

Heyo, how have you been?
Hope you're doing well
I really want to ask it in person
but I am just a coward
who is too afraid to face you

is it okay to call you friend again?
you know i'm not good with relationship
i'll become too close and ruin everything
i'm scared that you're gonna leave me
so i decided i have to leave you first

how many times have we been betrayed
and betray those who bellieved and needed us
how can i learn to love again?
how to trust others again?
if every time i opened my mouth
all i got is rejection
how can i rely on you?

i miss you
i really do
i miss having a nice conversation with you
we don't have to agree on everything
just you and me hearing each other thoughts
but i guess i have to let you go
for the better good

i wonder do you ever think of me too
am i ever in your thoughts
or am i just hurting here alone?

I'm a dead girl walking

where will you go when every direction offers you a dead end?

A letter for myself

I'll try to be true to myself
I'll put my own happiness first
I'll find a home for myself
I won't go down that road again
I'll do what I please
No matter how much they shout at me
I'll try to stand on my feet
Even when I'm all alone
Even when they say it's wrong
I'll create my own path
I won't disappoint myself anymore
This journey may take a long time
But it's okay as long as I am still me
I won't change for anyone but myself
I know I'll be fine
'cos no matter which path I take
You'll always be with me
You'll always reach out your hand to me
If it's with you
We'll go through everything
Just keep reminding me that you're here with me
'cos we'll all on our own
We have nobody at our side
We can only rely on each other