A letter for myself

I'll try to be true to myself
I'll put my own happiness first
I'll find a home for myself
I won't go down that road again
I'll do what I please
No matter how much they shout at me
I'll try to stand on my feet
Even when I'm all alone
Even when they say it's wrong
I'll create my own path
I won't disappoint myself anymore
This journey may take a long time
But it's okay as long as I am still me
I won't change for anyone but myself
I know I'll be fine
'cos no matter which path I take
You'll always be with me
You'll always reach out your hand to me
If it's with you
We'll go through everything
Just keep reminding me that you're here with me
'cos we'll all on our own
We have nobody at our side
We can only rely on each other

I wanna die young

Before reading this post, I suggest you to click the video just so you can get the perfect picture of my mind haha.

I remember when I was about to turn 20, I started looking for psychotic medicines to get me overdose, the problem is they're pricey and hard to get as you have to have prescription to get them. Here I am, 2 years plus later still feeling the same way as I was, just lost and confused.

Honestly I'm sure everyone must have experienced the fear of growing up one way or another, I'm just still not getting over it. I really don't want to grow old, I want to stay in my teen years. I don't even want to live past 25, I'm one fourth of a century then lol.

I'm still contemplating with myself, about what I should do now. should I just give it up and say fuck it, or keep struggling and alive. I really wish I could die "naturally", bet they won't be as painful as taking your own life.

I tried to call two suicide hotlines, 119 and 500454 but none of them work, I guess I really can't have this burden out to anyone else.

I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay, and it's fine for me to live like anyone else. I just don't have any interest in anything, I don't want to do anything which is why death is an option. I've been staring at my "noose" for about 2 weeks now but I still have a fear of death.

I wonder if I'd never learned about this whole morale will death looks a bit friendly for me?

If I die tomorrow

If I die tomorrow, I wished that my body would be burned instead of buried, but that most likely impossible.
If I die tomorrow, I wondered how things would change ,would I just disappear? would I be reborn as someone else, or would I be a ghost that lingers in this world.
if I ended up lingering in this world, I wished to see the wonders I've never seen before. but i'd probably ended up stuck in one place, which is sad.

will I be able to endure the pain?
if God is generous enough, all I wanted was to be happy though I'm not sure how to achieve that.
but the uncertainty is getting into me, I'm done gambling with my life.
I don't want to live this life hence my only option is death.

Maybe deep down I'm hoping that some lights will come to me and release me from this misery, it was just nothing but an empty hope.

If I die tomorrow, I hope I would die without any regret. Just a peaceful and a quiet death, I want to see no tears or hear no scream.
I just want to disappear, and erasing my whole existence.
that would be easier for everyone, right?

As I'm writing this, I'm preparing myself to face the pain I failed to bear long ago. Will I be succeed this time around? Will fortune be finally by my side and set me free from all these unnecessary responsibilities. Am I ready to put my life behind?

I hope the face I make when I die wouldn't be so horrible, and I hope my body won't be too smelly lol. I could picture myself hanging with eyes and mouth wide open, it would be a pretty disturbing picture for anyone to see.

I might not be able to think rationally anymore, everything just won't fall into place. I'm unsure about what the future holds, about what I want to do. I wonder if I can finally forgive everything that had happened, If I can finally let go.

All I can do now is listening to songs that may become my anthem while I'll choke to face death.