Scared

Today, I think again
about how scared I am
what am I becoming to
am I a monster

today I can't feel anything
just confused
lost
alone in this world

I don't know
if there's something
I could holding on to

God
I ran away from him
Family
I throw them away
Friends
I left them all behind

I'm all alone
tell me
who am I?
what am I doing
just running in circle

tell me
what should I do
how should I feel
how am I supposed to talk

kill me
bury me
torn my heart apart
take me to hell

save me
hold my hand
teach me
reach my heart

I love you
I hate you
I'm lost
I'm torn

MY SUICIDE NOTE?

Hi, how are you guys doing?
I hope you guys are fine and happy, and healthy.

As for me, I'm not really in a good condition. I think I'm dying both physically and mentally. I don't have any purpose to continue my life I don't care about my future at all. I just hope it all end right now. I hope a meteor come all of sudden and hit me. I hope some car destroy my body. I hope I have the guts to take the drugs, I don't want to be in this sick world anymore. Did I really ask for this kind of life? I wish I didn't because if I did I must be a really stupid person.

I don't really know what to say, every dream that I have is tearing apart right in front of my eyes. I can never live in the street, travelling with the bus tour, trying every country's food. All I ever be is a fookin housewife, a mother, a teacher. It's not enough. I need more. I want to do something dangerous that'll make me cry just to think about it. I want to feel alive. But I can't. Not anymore.

I have enough of this shitty life for 19 years. I fucking done with everything. I just want to disappear. I hope there is someone who can encourage me to do it, to actually finish my life. I wanna be numb, i don't want to feel. so everything will be easier for me.

I hope you're having a great day. Cheers.

Talk more they say

It’s kind of weird how I become a person who I am today. I think I have never been a quiet one since I was little. I started to close my mouth when high school kicked in, I guess. I never know when it’s actually started but a senior told me to talk more. Well, at that time I didn’t have anything to say. I don’t like to introduce myself to someone else. I don’t like to be the center of attention; I don’t like the feeling of many eyes looking at you, feel so uncomfortable.

I think it began when I ran from home, since then I never talk much to anyone I don’t know, my friends or my family. I just didn’t know someone who I could trust without telling me that I’m the one who take the wrong side because I already knew I was wrong I didn’t need everyone to came and lectured me in every single time, it’s tiring.

Now that I’m in college, I don’t even know who I can talk and not to. In my eyes all of them are just a bunch of strangers that I just happen to know their names. I hate it, I hate that atmosphere. I mean, I can relate about people having their own best mate in class, but in my class everyone seems so uncomfortable. Like for no joke, I already have someone in my class who hates me just because I asked her to pay less than $1 for group project and I told her the f word. I’ve only been in college for one year. lol. And then just this afternoon one girl cried because she was mobbed (well, not really mobbed. It’s pretty much a bunch of peeps didn’t have the same thoughts as her, but they spilled it out together) by other “side” from the class. I swear to God, if I didn’t have any feelings, I would be laughing louder than anyone. As for me, I don’t belong anywhere I don’t belong to “smart, painstaking people” or to “fancy, modern people”. I like things and person that they don’t even know.

A lot of people ask me to talk more, what they don’t know is that it’s hard. Maybe it’s because people misinterpret what my words mean mostly, and then the other times simply because people just don’t know how to listen. It’s just tiring to face these kind of things every single day you go outside. The other reason is because I believe what I say wouldn’t change a thing, cause I’m invisible.

There are a lot of things I feel insecure about, talking is one of them. I think people should’ve never given a mouth. Because all it does is just hurting others. Maybe I’m one of its victims. I hate talking. So stop telling me to open my goddamn mouth and let me think about what I want to think. Stop trying to change me, it hurts. Pretty much what I want to say is just please leave me alone, unnoticed and continue your beautiful life peacefully without me in it.

talkin' about life

hi, I'm back! <plays that pokemon go song>

And this time I'm going to talk about life, which is suck lol. I don't even know why I am writing this, possibly because I just finished reading book called "By The Time You Read This, I'll be Dead." Yes, I know it's only a fiction but I personally can relate to how Daelyn's feelings. It's not the best book I've ever read but it's still good I think.

Okay, enough about the book and about the story, I am currently nineteen years old and to be honest I don't go through hard times in life that much. But sometimes I just feel bad for myself, and bad for people around me. I am not a number one fan of human, I am one of those if not the only one person who thinks that human is like the worst creature of all time. Every single thing we touch is destroyed. We're given so many things yet we still ask for more, and so do I, and that's just how human is, right?

But, as far as I try to accept myself as human being, there are still some odd question that I don't even know where are they coming from, but one thing for sure they are so bad in my opinion that sometimes I just feel like I'm going to hell just for thinking these question. And in this entry I'm going to show you what are the questions: (I'm a moslem so these question will be related to my religion, but I think everyone has to think sometimes, ryt?)

1. IF human is created because God wants us to be having a "free will" then why would there be heaven and hell?, why would there be rules? Aren't those making us not so "free-will(ed)?" anymore?

2. IF human is the only creature that has free will, then how come the devil can disobey God? meanwhile before human is created, the devil was one of the saint? creature of God. Does it mean God created the devil just to be thrown in hell? I mean I'm pretty sure God know what would happen as soon as God told the angles and devils about this creature called human.

3. Will the creatures that thrown to hell be there for the infinity? like FOREVER. LIMITLESS. I just can't imagine this concept, me, personally thinks that is just way too harsh? I'm not sure how to describe it, but yeah you get what I mean. If you are sent to jail for the rest of your life or given the death penalty, I can understand that. But to be in a HORRIBLE place for FOREVER, I just can’t imagine that okay, sorry. I’m aware that there are bad people in this world, but it’s not just because they WANT to be a bad guy. There are so many that influencing it. Even if they are born evil, I feel they deserve a little bit of forgiveness. Just a little bit. After a long ass payback for what they did.

4. What will await for us in the afterlife? After all this judgment, heaven, and hell stuffs what will happen? Will God make another universe, another creatures, and make everything disappear? I mean He capable to do EVERYTHING, right? So yeah

Untitled

Be good then you'll be sent to heaven
Please correct me if I ever mistaken
to interpet the meaning of live
the meaning of every oxygen
that I took just so I could fill my lungs
and living another boring day in this boring universe

Right now, my mind wondering every words I know
Will everybody knows these lyrics that I wrote
or will they listen still to silly tone
why did I write these lyrics, I don't even know
I have nothing else to do
than listen to the teacher blabbing in the front

so what is it? why am I still breathing?
I wonder if I ever choose to have this life
I wonder why does my brain
won't stop thinking 'bout unnecessary things
it's hurting my head
but yet I'm still thinking

is this what I really want?
is this who I really am?
Walking on the ground with no purpose
Just wishing that this day will end a bit early
then when I close my eyes wishing to never open them again

"Oh, you're such a whiny" they said
It's true but you don't understand what's inside my mind
It's killing me, my good side
I hope I have the gut just to end this life

Catch and Stuff

When I sit in the class

I see through the glass

Watching your reflection

Walking, catch my attention       

I wonder why I try my best to rhyme

When all that matter is just for this words and I

To catch your attention, catch your eyes

Looking at me hiding behind the shadows and I

I don’t want to be known by you

But I want to be seen by you

“You’re weird” I know I am but I

Don’t know what to do but drown into your eyes

I’m not good at writing lyrics

I’m aware of that, but still

I just have to let it out, have to write it down

So you will be noticing me, senpai xP

A twenty one pilots’s song come across

My mind as I’m putting down the words

On a piece of paper as I realize I just

Ignoring my bald teacher talking in front of me and I

I don’t want to be known by you

But I want to be seen by you

“You’re weird” I know I am but I

Don’t know what to do but drown into your eyes

My bald teacher keeps talking

But my mind refuses to take

Any word come out from his mouth

I just want to finish this poem

Then go home and change my clothes

So I can shut my eyes forgetting about this awful world

Catneesa 07/09/2016
In the middle of class
the teacher seemed like he doesn't even bother anymore kkk
p.s. a feedback won't hurt T-T pls