Things I want to hear (imagination activated)

I want someone to call me just to check wether I'm feeling okay
I want someone to be able to read my mind, to know what I'm hiding
I want someone that would hold my hand, and walk besides me
I want someone that would sneak me up at night whenever the blue visits me
I want someone that would give me some free space but won't leaving me lonely
I want someone that would give their shoulder for me just to cry

We can talk about our favorite movies, our favorite TV shows
We can listen to our favorite songs for hours
We can sing together
or just talk about our days, and our busy minds.

I guess I want someone that does not exist
So let be it
Let this special someone only sits in my mind

choking on my laughter

Laugh crying,
or is it cry laughing?
either way it's painful
sometimes I choke when I do that
sometimes I'm running out of breath
and just want to scream, sometimes.

but I always silent in my cry
I don't want to make a sound
I don't want to be seen as a weakling
oh but I am
I can break over the smallest touch

then I try to build myself again
just to get it crushed again by the fear and anxiety
then I'll try to get myself together again
but it'll be scattered by my own self again.

now I try to shut it
I don't want to open my mouth and heart to anyone again
I promised to myself that it will be my dirty little secret
but the truth keeps spilling out of my mouth
or my fingers
or my eyes

I'm hurt, yes
but I don't want people to see me as a broken thing
even deep down I'm bleeding
I shall not show it

it's funny because I always encourage others to express how they're feeling
to cry if you want to cry
to break down if you need to
but I can't let myself do that
such selfishness

so I'll just keep choking on my laughter
I'll be breathless when I'm crying
somewhere where I'm alone
somewhere where no eyes judging me

random writing

So, I SUSPECTED that I have depression, but I never got it checked or diagnosed because I'm not sure how to explain to my family. I feel worthless. I don't have any purposes in life. I feel empty.

I just watched some videos about suicidal people, and I can relate to their problems. Honestly, if I were to met them, I would hug them and told them everything will get better one day. But that's a white lie, I can't even convince myself to see positive side of life so who am I encouraging others to stay alive.

Watching corpse of people who took their own life somehow makes me feel better that I'm alive. There's a side of me saying that you don't want to end up like them. But there's also pity, for their family and friends that they left behind. I bet they never see it coming.

When I die, I don't want other people to take care of my corpse. I wish that they wouldn't have to bury me. I wish I could just disappear, leaving nothing behind.

I hate myself. I always fell for people way too easy. I hate it. All they need to do is giving me some attention then I'll be all over them. It's wrong. I shouldn't have been thinking that way, but I did. I still do.

Out of Picture

Usually when I'm feeling down
I take my drawing equipments and start sketching
but I don't take them here
what a fool

so I'm trying to escape with words instead.
trying to brush off these thoughts
thoughts of giving up
thoughts of running away

it's doesn't work every single time though
there are times where even hundred of thousand words are not enough to fill the empty slot
I need a place to be alone
I need a place to cry and curse at myself

and so with a heavy heart I'm still sitting here
I don't want to

it's not that big of a deal

it's not that big of a deal
the fact that you don't have any purpose in life

it's not that big of a deal
seeing yourself as someone who is not worth living

it's not that big of a deal
trying to kill yourself couple of times

it's not that big of a deal
crying out of frustration

it's not that big of a deal
because no one cares

it's not that big of a deal
because your feelings have nothing to do with anyone

it's not that big of a deal
because if you're gone
nothing will be changed

I'm lying helpless
All I can feel is emptiness
Does someone even care?
If I tell them I wasn't feeling well

I want to scream and
shout everything
out loud 'till my vocals ripped
I want to cry,
I want to throw away these feelings

life update

I thought I deleted this blog, but it's still exist.
I re-read everything and my mind and heart haven't changed at all.

I'm still in denial.
I still can't accept the harsh reality.
what a fucking loser.

I tried at least 3 times.
Hanging myself using my hairdryer cable.
but the cable is too damn long that my feet was touching the damn floor.

I cut my arm sometimes.
It morphes the pain from my chest to the arm.
It didn't help much.
It didn't feel good either.

I'm tired.
I was thinking of taking a break from college
which is a good idea if anyone knew what the fuck is going on inside my fucking brain

I'm tired
and I'm scared.
I opened up to some people
Stupid move.
Shouldn't have done that.

If I got a professional help
Would things go differently?
I'm considering to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist
but I don't think my family would approve that
I don't know how to explain my problems to them either.


Now that I'm out of town
feeling blue in a stranger land
what should I do?
I don't wanna be here
I wanna run away from here


what should I do?
I don't wanna do this
but I have to
but it's killing me
I don't like these peeps around me
I don't trust them

I hate how I can't cry like a little bitch here
because I'm living with someone else, godammit
It's suffocating
I can't even take pity for myself here.
I hate this place

I wanna go home
and be a depressed fuck that I am
just doing nothing
maybe trying to kill myself a couple of times.

lol idk man