choking on my laughter

Laugh crying,
or is it cry laughing?
either way it's painful
sometimes I choke when I do that
sometimes I'm running out of breath
and just want to scream, sometimes.

but I always silent in my cry
I don't want to make a sound
I don't want to be seen as a weakling
oh but I am
I can break over the smallest touch

then I try to build myself again
just to get it crushed again by the fear and anxiety
then I'll try to get myself together again
but it'll be scattered by my own self again.

now I try to shut it
I don't want to open my mouth and heart to anyone again
I promised to myself that it will be my dirty little secret
but the truth keeps spilling out of my mouth
or my fingers
or my eyes

I'm hurt, yes
but I don't want people to see me as a broken thing
even deep down I'm bleeding
I shall not show it

it's funny because I always encourage others to express how they're feeling
to cry if you want to cry
to break down if you need to
but I can't let myself do that
such selfishness

so I'll just keep choking on my laughter
I'll be breathless when I'm crying
somewhere where I'm alone
somewhere where no eyes judging me