life update

I thought I deleted this blog, but it's still exist.
I re-read everything and my mind and heart haven't changed at all.

I'm still in denial.
I still can't accept the harsh reality.
what a fucking loser.

I tried at least 3 times.
Hanging myself using my hairdryer cable.
but the cable is too damn long that my feet was touching the damn floor.

I cut my arm sometimes.
It morphes the pain from my chest to the arm.
It didn't help much.
It didn't feel good either.

I'm tired.
I was thinking of taking a break from college
which is a good idea if anyone knew what the fuck is going on inside my fucking brain

I'm tired
and I'm scared.
I opened up to some people
Stupid move.
Shouldn't have done that.

If I got a professional help
Would things go differently?
I'm considering to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist
but I don't think my family would approve that
I don't know how to explain my problems to them either.


Now that I'm out of town
feeling blue in a stranger land
what should I do?
I don't wanna be here
I wanna run away from here


what should I do?
I don't wanna do this
but I have to
but it's killing me
I don't like these peeps around me
I don't trust them

I hate how I can't cry like a little bitch here
because I'm living with someone else, godammit
It's suffocating
I can't even take pity for myself here.
I hate this place

I wanna go home
and be a depressed fuck that I am
just doing nothing
maybe trying to kill myself a couple of times.

lol idk man