Dear You

Heyo, how have you been?
Hope you're doing well
I really want to ask it in person
but I am just a coward
who is too afraid to face you

is it okay to call you friend again?
you know i'm not good with relationship
i'll become too close and ruin everything
i'm scared that you're gonna leave me
so i decided i have to leave you first

how many times have we been betrayed
and betray those who bellieved and needed us
how can i learn to love again?
how to trust others again?
if every time i opened my mouth
all i got is rejection
how can i rely on you?

i miss you
i really do
i miss having a nice conversation with you
we don't have to agree on everything
just you and me hearing each other thoughts
but i guess i have to let you go
for the better good

i wonder do you ever think of me too
am i ever in your thoughts
or am i just hurting here alone?

I'm a dead girl walking

where will you go when every direction offers you a dead end?

A letter for myself

I'll try to be true to myself
I'll put my own happiness first
I'll find a home for myself
I won't go down that road again
I'll do what I please
No matter how much they shout at me
I'll try to stand on my feet
Even when I'm all alone
Even when they say it's wrong
I'll create my own path
I won't disappoint myself anymore
This journey may take a long time
But it's okay as long as I am still me
I won't change for anyone but myself
I know I'll be fine
'cos no matter which path I take
You'll always be with me
You'll always reach out your hand to me
If it's with you
We'll go through everything
Just keep reminding me that you're here with me
'cos we'll all on our own
We have nobody at our side
We can only rely on each other

I wanna die young

Before reading this post, I suggest you to click the video just so you can get the perfect picture of my mind haha.

I remember when I was about to turn 20, I started looking for psychotic medicines to get me overdose, the problem is they're pricey and hard to get as you have to have prescription to get them. Here I am, 2 years plus later still feeling the same way as I was, just lost and confused.

Honestly I'm sure everyone must have experienced the fear of growing up one way or another, I'm just still not getting over it. I really don't want to grow old, I want to stay in my teen years. I don't even want to live past 25, I'm one fourth of a century then lol.

I'm still contemplating with myself, about what I should do now. should I just give it up and say fuck it, or keep struggling and alive. I really wish I could die "naturally", bet they won't be as painful as taking your own life.

I tried to call two suicide hotlines, 119 and 500454 but none of them work, I guess I really can't have this burden out to anyone else.

I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay, and it's fine for me to live like anyone else. I just don't have any interest in anything, I don't want to do anything which is why death is an option. I've been staring at my "noose" for about 2 weeks now but I still have a fear of death.

I wonder if I'd never learned about this whole morale will death looks a bit friendly for me?

If I die tomorrow

If I die tomorrow, I wished that my body would be burned instead of buried, but that most likely impossible.
If I die tomorrow, I wondered how things would change ,would I just disappear? would I be reborn as someone else, or would I be a ghost that lingers in this world.
if I ended up lingering in this world, I wished to see the wonders I've never seen before. but i'd probably ended up stuck in one place, which is sad.

will I be able to endure the pain?
if God is generous enough, all I wanted was to be happy though I'm not sure how to achieve that.
but the uncertainty is getting into me, I'm done gambling with my life.
I don't want to live this life hence my only option is death.

Maybe deep down I'm hoping that some lights will come to me and release me from this misery, it was just nothing but an empty hope.

If I die tomorrow, I hope I would die without any regret. Just a peaceful and a quiet death, I want to see no tears or hear no scream.
I just want to disappear, and erasing my whole existence.
that would be easier for everyone, right?

As I'm writing this, I'm preparing myself to face the pain I failed to bear long ago. Will I be succeed this time around? Will fortune be finally by my side and set me free from all these unnecessary responsibilities. Am I ready to put my life behind?

I hope the face I make when I die wouldn't be so horrible, and I hope my body won't be too smelly lol. I could picture myself hanging with eyes and mouth wide open, it would be a pretty disturbing picture for anyone to see.

I might not be able to think rationally anymore, everything just won't fall into place. I'm unsure about what the future holds, about what I want to do. I wonder if I can finally forgive everything that had happened, If I can finally let go.

All I can do now is listening to songs that may become my anthem while I'll choke to face death.

envious

i wish i can play instruments
i wish i can sing beautifully
i wish i can draw flawlessly
i wish i can write better sentences

these things that i will never have
these things that make someone matters
i will never have them
i can never be like them

what can I do?
I can't do anything right
everything i touch scattered to pieces
so what's there left for me?

what an useless human being
you have nothing and you want nothing
what are you still doing here?
hurry up and fall before i left you alone too

attention seeker

talk to someone about how you're feeling
but then you just shut them down
what the hell is wrong with you?

you want everyone to focus on you
your problems, your fears
you want eveyrone to understand your feelings
but you never even try

i hope one day you'll forgive yourself
forgive those who hurt you
and move on with life
i dont know how much more blood will it cost

sighs and a couple of tears
that's all you get
for swallowing your feelings
i hope everything will get better

I dont want to fall in love

Why is it so easy for me to fall for someone?
I hate it. I fucking hate it.

I should have not feeling this way
It's stupid and my brain is showing me weird scenarios

I would find myself crying or laughing over those scenarios
disgusting

wanna know why?
because i know it won't be true
it's all just in my head
and my brain is just fooling my heart again

the vivid imaginary of them
i don't want to see it
i wish i could kill my heart
it's handy when your heart is jumping around everywhere over nothing

and brain,
please stop feeding me with those thoughts
i don't want it
it's better for us to live alone
away from everyone

is this what they called loneliness?
what a fucking joke

how to live a life by me :D

first of all, i don't remember much from my childhood
but most things that I remember are not good things
most of the times it was just me getting mad at everyone
or everyone pissed me off

now that I've grown up
all I can think about is how to get "revenge"
they make me suffer as a kid and a teen
I won't let them touch any of my adulthood

that's how I've been living
based on hatred and anger
it's tiring and painful
but that's the only thing that I know

if someone tries to steal that away from me
i wouldn't know how to live anymore
cause there will be nothing left of me

why am i like this

I want to be saved, but I can't open up to anyone

Things I want to hear (imagination activated)

I want someone to call me just to check wether I'm feeling okay
I want someone to be able to read my mind, to know what I'm hiding
I want someone that would hold my hand, and walk besides me
I want someone that would sneak me up at night whenever the blue visits me
I want someone that would give me some free space but won't leaving me lonely
I want someone that would give their shoulder for me just to cry

We can talk about our favorite movies, our favorite TV shows
We can listen to our favorite songs for hours
We can sing together
or just talk about our days, and our busy minds.

I guess I want someone that does not exist
So let be it
Let this special someone only sits in my mind

choking on my laughter

Laugh crying,
or is it cry laughing?
either way it's painful
sometimes I choke when I do that
sometimes I'm running out of breath
and just want to scream, sometimes.

but I always silent in my cry
I don't want to make a sound
I don't want to be seen as a weakling
oh but I am
I can break over the smallest touch

then I try to build myself again
just to get it crushed again by the fear and anxiety
then I'll try to get myself together again
but it'll be scattered by my own self again.

now I try to shut it
I don't want to open my mouth and heart to anyone again
I promised to myself that it will be my dirty little secret
but the truth keeps spilling out of my mouth
or my fingers
or my eyes

I'm hurt, yes
but I don't want people to see me as a broken thing
even deep down I'm bleeding
I shall not show it

it's funny because I always encourage others to express how they're feeling
to cry if you want to cry
to break down if you need to
but I can't let myself do that
such selfishness

so I'll just keep choking on my laughter
I'll be breathless when I'm crying
somewhere where I'm alone
somewhere where no eyes judging me

random writing

So, I SUSPECTED that I have depression, but I never got it checked or diagnosed because I'm not sure how to explain to my family. I feel worthless. I don't have any purposes in life. I feel empty.

I just watched some videos about suicidal people, and I can relate to their problems. Honestly, if I were to met them, I would hug them and told them everything will get better one day. But that's a white lie, I can't even convince myself to see positive side of life so who am I encouraging others to stay alive.

Watching corpse of people who took their own life somehow makes me feel better that I'm alive. There's a side of me saying that you don't want to end up like them. But there's also pity, for their family and friends that they left behind. I bet they never see it coming.

When I die, I don't want other people to take care of my corpse. I wish that they wouldn't have to bury me. I wish I could just disappear, leaving nothing behind.

I hate myself. I always fell for people way too easy. I hate it. All they need to do is giving me some attention then I'll be all over them. It's wrong. I shouldn't have been thinking that way, but I did. I still do.

Out of Picture

Usually when I'm feeling down
I take my drawing equipments and start sketching
but I don't take them here
what a fool

so I'm trying to escape with words instead.
trying to brush off these thoughts
thoughts of giving up
thoughts of running away

it's doesn't work every single time though
there are times where even hundred of thousand words are not enough to fill the empty slot
I need a place to be alone
I need a place to cry and curse at myself

and so with a heavy heart I'm still sitting here
I don't want to

it's not that big of a deal

it's not that big of a deal
the fact that you don't have any purpose in life

it's not that big of a deal
seeing yourself as someone who is not worth living

it's not that big of a deal
trying to kill yourself couple of times

it's not that big of a deal
crying out of frustration

it's not that big of a deal
because no one cares

it's not that big of a deal
because your feelings have nothing to do with anyone

it's not that big of a deal
because if you're gone
nothing will be changed

I'm lying helpless
All I can feel is emptiness
Does someone even care?
If I tell them I wasn't feeling well

I want to scream and
shout everything
out loud 'till my vocals ripped
I want to cry,
I want to throw away these feelings

life update

I thought I deleted this blog, but it's still exist.
I re-read everything and my mind and heart haven't changed at all.

I'm still in denial.
I still can't accept the harsh reality.
what a fucking loser.

I tried at least 3 times.
Hanging myself using my hairdryer cable.
but the cable is too damn long that my feet was touching the damn floor.

I cut my arm sometimes.
It morphes the pain from my chest to the arm.
It didn't help much.
It didn't feel good either.

I'm tired.
I was thinking of taking a break from college
which is a good idea if anyone knew what the fuck is going on inside my fucking brain

I'm tired
and I'm scared.
I opened up to some people
Stupid move.
Shouldn't have done that.

If I got a professional help
Would things go differently?
I'm considering to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist
but I don't think my family would approve that
I don't know how to explain my problems to them either.


Now that I'm out of town
feeling blue in a stranger land
what should I do?
I don't wanna be here
I wanna run away from here


what should I do?
I don't wanna do this
but I have to
but it's killing me
I don't like these peeps around me
I don't trust them

I hate how I can't cry like a little bitch here
because I'm living with someone else, godammit
It's suffocating
I can't even take pity for myself here.
I hate this place

I wanna go home
and be a depressed fuck that I am
just doing nothing
maybe trying to kill myself a couple of times.

lol idk man